Sleeksays

Columbus Blue Jackets (11-12-3, t-12th in west) at Anaheim Ducks (14-10-3, t-4th in west) No, we will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions! "Three Patos, Anaheim, California. You are very great. 100,000 pesos. Come to Santa Poco, put on show, stop. The Infamous El Guapo." In a way, each of us has an El Guapo to face. Sometimes that El Guapo is the Columbus Blue Jackets. Prediction: Ducks 4, Jackets 2. Goals by Little Neddy Niedermayer, Dusty Pronger, Lucky Day Selanne, and Santa Poco resident Pahlsson. Together they prune the hedges of many small villages. For your El Guapo coverage, go visit Bethany's Hockey Rants . Go Ducks.

A Sharkspage films premiere. Highlights after 20 games to "I am the night, colour me black" by Priestess.

I was talking to my brother yesterday and we were in agreement that if the Kings could somehow combine Erik Ersberg and Jason Labarbera, they'd have the perfect goaltender (basically, Roberto Luongo) . We then decided that if they somehow grew a child in a lab from their genes, he'd grow up to be: ...the dude from Idle Hands and She's All That . (He was also Fulton from Mighty Ducks.) I have a gift for placing faces, what can I say. My brother also has a similar gift (and a similarly small penis) and pointed out that Edmonton's new goaltender looks exactly like Evgeni Malkin: Also, and this is completely unrelated, but what the hell is Twilight ? I went and saw Role Models this weekend and they had a trailer for this emo vampire movie; I sat there with a confused expression on my face for about 30 seconds and then muttered, "What the fuck is this shit?" Teenagers are retarded.

Some people wonder why Ducks fans are so patient for Teemu Selanne to make retirement decisions. Oct. 27, ANA @ CBJ: 16:05 3rd: Selanne 3 PP (Beauchemin, Getzlaf) Oct. 29, DET @ ANA: 14:11 1st: Selanne 4 PP (Getzlaf, Pronger) (5-on-3) 19:09 2nd: Selanne 5 PP (Getzlaf, Niedermayer) (5-on-3) 4:50 3rd: Selanne 6 PP (Pronger, Getzlaf) Oct. 31, VAN @ ANA: 12:24 1st: Selanne 7 PP (Pronger, Perry) 17:17 2nd: Selanne 8 PP (Perry, Niedermayer) Six consecutive regulation periods with a power play goal scored. Talk about one guy resurrecting a stale power play percentage. Pretty damn amazing, Teemu. * * * The Ducks' win streak came to an end Halloween night in a game that seemed to be haunted . The Ducks opened with two PP goals (one on a Luongo miscue) , but Bernier got one back for the Canucks 19 seconds later. That would end up being the first of five straight Vancouver goals -- over a span of 7:22 in the second, they scored on four consecutive shots. 18 seconds later, the Ducks resp...

The Kings are putting Kyle Calder on the top line in place of Matt Moulson Friday night. You know that scene in The Happening where the blonde chick just stares forward while she slowly inserts a knitting needle into her neck? I'm pretty sure the Kings are doing that right now.

Oh, wait! This team is only "mostly dead". Wow. What a fucking game! Who would have guessed that I could attend a Ducks/Sharks game where Joe Thornton fought but Jody Shelley wouldn't? Great work by Steve Montador and Brad May in each instance. Add in a Giguere shutout and a Pahlsson out-of-the-box breakaway goal (plus I didn't lose my wallet) , and guess what I'm feeling? Some goddamn positivity! Go Ducks.

Edmonton Oilers (1-0-0) at Anaheim Ducks (3 opportunities for improvement!) There's no choice except better results, right? What I was originally going to write about. Look, I know the Ducks have been horrible lately, but I've caught onto a pattern. For game one, I wrote about how scared I was about Jonathan Goddamn Cheechoo , and he killed us. For game two, I wrote nothing, and that didn't help. For game three, I wrote about a pattern of 1-goal deficits turning into 3-goal deficits , and the Ducks watched their deficit grow like clockwork. My problem? I'm way too psychic. And I've been focusing entirely too much on the negative. Tonight? In the spirit of "the first 3 games are irrelevant in the scheme of an 82-game schedule", I'm instead imagining some good results. Is this the game where the Ducks get goals from their actual goal-scorers * ? Is this the game where the Ducks enter the penalty box at a slightly lesser rate ** ? Is this the game wher...

Sleek will surely expand on this, but following in Rudy Kelly 's reference of "Scanners" the Ducks seem to resemble a lobotomized Jack Nicholson in "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest." All they're missing is a cold eyed nurse, the guy from "Back to the Future" and a Zdeno Chara -sized Native American. Also, Ryan Getzlaf is a choad.

Cobra. Fucking. Kai. Aside from linking the Hockey Orphan for the Kings, Stars and Sharks this should be the last bit of shameless self-promotion for quite a while. And, if I do say so myself, it's a damn doozy. In order to break up some of the monotony that is Tuesday, I'm starting up a tradition on Cycle like the Sedins called "Bertuzzdays." Basically, it is a weekly tribute to the most shameful and sometimes hilarious moments in hockey history. This week, naturally, begins with a study of The Todd Bertuzzi incident . Then quite unnaturally, it devolves into a troubling comparison between that Vancouver Canucks team and Cobra Kai from "The Karate Kid." Eventually, "The Jesus" makes an appearance and all hell generally breaks loose. It does end with an intriguing question, though: what would Bertuzzi have to do to gain your forgiveness (or at least your respect)? Hopefully, you'll find this Bertuzzday as entertaining as I find it psychological...

Rich Hammond is reporting that Patrick O'Sullivan has signed a three-year deal. No word on numbers yet. "I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls." I'm starting to wonder if Oscar Moller is being treated like Robert Downey, Jr.'s character in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang . In the movie, Downey is brought to LA and shown off at a lot of parties by a movie producer to bring down the number on Colin Farrell. The same thing may be happening here. I think the Kings are hoping Ted Purcell and Patrick O'Sullivan see Oscar Moller taking their spots and start working a little harder to improve their game. Then, after 10 games, Moller can go down to Junior feeling better about himself and Purcell and O'Sullivan can join the team properly motivated. Is it a crazy theory? Yeah. Hey, you don't pay for this stuff, pipe down. Awesome Update: The numbers average out to $2.95 million dollars a season over 3 years but will pay him $4 million this year to ...